Tuesday, July 6, 2010

A Little More Personal



Yea, it's been one of those weeks where things were just fine, until they suddenly weren't. My aunt came up to visit with my cousin's little girl and they stayed with my grandma. They came up, Mom and I went to see them on Sunday but didn't want to go to the church celebrations so we left and promised to come back the next day. Everything was fine.

Monday morning we get a call saying some more family has showed up; they were passing through on their way home after dropping my cousin Sean off at West Point. So we get up and get dressed and head over there earlier than planned. We stay for a bit, talk, and then give hugs and say goodbye. Things are still okay.


We get home and sit around for a bit. Every time I step in front of the kitchen sink I step in a small puddle that I assume is from the dog's water bowl since it's right there and she tends to slosh. After a bit mom sees another bigger puddle. She looks under the sink: the pipe has busted (again) and has been spilling water into a very large bucket for who knows how long, because the bottom of the cupboard is rotted.

She pulls everything out and throws it into the floor and empties the large bucket outside. It reeks. She rips out the rotted mess of the cupboard floor and the wood beneath that is soaked. The boxes of chemicals and cleaners rips apart because it's wet, and we're left with a trashed and cluttered kitchen that smells like a sewer. Things are not okay.

I did my best to clean up and help out. But my mom spent the rest of the evening sitting on her love-seat knitting and crying. Any time I tried to speak to her she would get pissed again and yell at me without actually yelling at me. I can't say anything to that because I've been with her through all the crap life has thrown at us.

I've been there. And all she does is scream and cry until all I want to do is curl up and cry, because I know it's been hard and there's nothing I can do to make it better. Except that that's all I've been trying to do since I started college, but it's never enough and she acts like I don't care or understand what she's going through.

I'm tired. I'm tired of my mother making me feel horrible because I can't take her away from all of the crap in life. And I'm tired of trying hard to make her happy. I'm tired of her taking everything I say as an attack on her and the way she raised me. But mostly I'm just tired of trying to be happy all the damn time and having something screw it up and bring everything crashing down around me. I'm tired of feeling like I don't have any friends because as soon as we go on holiday no one talks to me anymore and it's like I don't exist. Which is why I'm putting all of this on the blog: because right now I feel like I have no one else to talk to and I need to talk it out. I'm tired of all of it.

I spent most of yesterday hiding out in my room watching TV on the computer because I couldn't stand sitting in the living room with her when all she was doing was sniffling and not talking while she knitted. I haven't read/written/edited anything in days because I'm too distracted and I can't focus. I've not been feeling that great and have to keep taking vitamins to have any energy, so I haven't been online all that much lately.

I keep trying to think positively, but I'm running out of rainbows and butterflies and kittens. I'll try to keep up with the blog this week, but no guarantees. Things are just a little tough around here at the moment.

12 comments:

Jaimie said...

I'm sorry. I hear you on the part where everything you say is a personal attack or a critique on the way you were raised. That's almost exactly how my dad is. Ugh.

I wish I could say "everything will be better in time" but I'm still dealing with crap even 3 years out of college. I guess this is just how life is. (Admittedly I've yet to move out of the house, something I've been trying desperately to do for almost a year now, but can't find a job that pays enough for.) I guess I can say "everything will be better when we move out." :P

I do believe that.

Candyland said...

Hang in there. It's not easy, I know. But at least you just got some of it off your chest. You're probably stronger than you realize. Hold onto that. Tomorrow is another day, and all that crap!

jenny wilson said...

sending hugs and best wishes from the UK

Jen said...

Stay strong! I'm sorry that you are feeling a bit trapped and alone but know that you have buddies here and if you need to vent so more we are all an email away!! At least I am... so feel free to stop on by (jennifer (at) gmail (dot) com) and let it all spill out on the table!

Know that even though it feels tough right now in the end you'll be better for it...

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I'm sorry, Amanda! Hope this venting helped a little bit.

Kathryn Packer Roberts said...

Sorry to hear it. If you need to talk, I'm here. I completely understand what you are going through. Completely.

Karla Calalang said...

So sorry to see that things aren't going that well. I'll be on FB chat later tonight if you need me! <3

Jade said...

Dude, that's shit. I won't dish out advice (what do I know?) or be Miss Positivity, but if you ever need to vent, shoot me an email. Seriously. Bitch and moan and say whatever. I won't mind. I'm the queen of bitching and moaning and I'm well aware that sometimes like is just shit.

You're awesome, remember that.

Lydia Kang said...

Cyber hugs, Amanda. Sometimes in those situations you just need to let time defuse the situation. You have virtual friends who'll let you vent away, so vent! This isn't your fault, and it sucks to be made to feel like it is.

Kathryn said...

Sorry things aren't going so well right now. Hang in there, put your thoughts on paper, knit a bit, a cup of tea... Everything's temporary, Amanda.

Charmaine Clancy said...

Hope you can ride it through okay. We love our families but sometimes they can create characters worthy of the best fiction.
Don't worry about not being able to keep up with writing or blogging, you should maybe journal your thoughts and feelings, as hard as it is when you're in the middle of it, when you come through you'll find great inspiration for your writing because there's a truth that comes across to the reader.

Tianna said...

:( It's never ever any fun when there is frustration with our loved ones. I'm sorry to hear how hard things are with your mother right now. I can relate to a degree, except that I try really hard to avoid talking about sensitive things with my mother because I fear the tears. You seem like a strong person. I hope things get better.

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