Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Teaser Tuesday (for the first time in FOREVER)

I know it's been a while since I've had a teaser, so I figure you all deserve one. I am very open to criticism (I don't have any betas so have at me [lol]). This excerpt is from the first chapter of the new WiP, and yes, it does have a name and I do know what it's about. I'm just not telling you guys yet. I'm keeping it hush, hush. Not because I think any of you will try to steal it or anything like that; I just know that as soon as I post it somewhere I'm going to turn around and start seeing similar stories in stores and such (this happens to Jade a lot, :( and I think it's made me paranoid).

So anyway, a little more of chapter 1., but first let me fill in the gaps. Taryn told her little brother, Luke, the monsters would get him if he didn't stop pestering her, and, naturally, Luke runs to their mother and Taryn gets chastised. Here ya go:


Lady Gaga was blaring in her headphones when her father appeared beside her. Taryn screamed and threw the book she had been reading at him without thinking. Mr. Jacobson caught it and handed it back to her, laughing. Taryn stared up at him, her hand on her chest and her face pale.
“What is wrong with you? Don’t you ever knock?” She shouted, not taking her eyes from her father’s.
“Well, Taryn, I knocked three times and never heard anything from you. Not a single response. Maybe you should think about turning the music down before you bust something. Speaking of which, I think you may have given your mom a heart attack when you screamed bloody murder.” Her father said, smiling. “Can I talk to you for a second, kiddo?”
“Not if you’re going to give me another lecture about being nice to Luke.” Taryn said with a scowl. Her father cracked a smile and sat down on the edge of her bed.
“Look, I know Lucas can be a handful, and I know your mom and I don’t always say thank you for everything you do around here, but we really do appreciate it.”
“You and mom want to go out tonight, don’t you?” Taryn asked.
“Only if you don’t mind putting Lucas to bed in another hour. If he’s been too much trouble, we can stay in tonight. It’s up to you, sweetheart, if you don’t want to babysit just speak up.” Taryn closed her eyes. Good game, Mom, she thought, send Dad in to get your way. Well played.
“It’s fine,” she sighed, “you guys going to go catch a movie?”
“Yes. We thought we’d go and see what’s new.” Taryn nodded. “Thanks, Taryn,” her father said, “we won’t be gone too long. You know the drill. Lights out for Lucas by eight, and make sure you lock all the doors and leave the porch light on when you go to sleep if we aren’t already back,” her father said.
“Yea, I know the drill. I’ve got everything under control. Have a good night, Dad,” Taryn said.
“Thanks, kiddo.” He kissed her forehead and left with one last smile over his shoulder as he closed the door behind him.
“No problem,” she whispered into her empty room, “not like I have a life anyway.”


10 comments:

Jen said...

Great teaser! I will say that I wish my dad had given me an option on whether or not I got to babysit my kid brother (in my case sister) or not. That would be one sweet deal!!!

I also would have loved to be thanked when I did something... Oh well such is life, not all parents are as cool as Taryns!

Candyland said...

I love teasers! Nice intro:)

Palindrome said...

I hear you about putting your idea out there and then all of a sudden the market is dripping with the same type of books. I think it's mostly in our head...or we are all seeing the same things on TV and in the news, in movies and we subconsciously go on the same tangents...hmmm. I must ponder this for at least two more hours.

KM said...

Lady GaGa! Haha! YES! Love her! *ahem* Anyway...

I liked this. It's cute. I would say that you should just be careful about what you put in paragraphs. Like this:

“Not if you’re going to give me another lecture about being nice to Luke.” Taryn said with a scowl. Her father cracked a smile and sat down on the edge of her bed.

Instead, do...

"Not if you're going to give me another lecture about being nice to Luke." Taryn scowled.
[NEW PARAGRAPH]
Her father cracked a smile and sat on the edge of her bed.

Hope this helps! :)

Jade said...

I'm sorry I've made you paranoid!! Although, I've still haven't confessed what my current WiP is about...

I'm intrigued what your story is about though...I've only just crawled out of bed otherwise I'd try and say something more constructive.

Jemi Fraser said...

Nice - you can tell she's a good kid and a frustrated one too :)

Magan said...

I'm just saying this may be my own personal thing, but I think that by naming musicisans, movies, ect unless they are classic ones can date the book. I mean if you make your character really into 1980's punk rock and start talking about The Circle Jerks than that's fine, but again, this is just my opinion. You could even just put that her music blared or the radio station or something... Sorry just My opinion!

KristinKaye said...

Lady Gaga. Yucky! haha. I have had that stupid telephone song in my head all day. Maybe this summer I will actually get to read more of your stuff!

Amanda J. said...

Jen - Yea, but her parents aren't all great haha, and she doesn't really feel like she has a choice. I mean really, have all of them there an angry with her or deal with the obnoxious little brother? Eh. :)

Candy - Thanks!

Palindrome - I'm fairly certain it's just selective memory and we don't notice things until we're half looking for them. But for now, I'll keep it on the down low lol.

KM - Gaga has her moments. :) And breaking up paragraphs after dialogue is something I'm working on. I want to break it, but then I feel like I've already had a bazillion paragraphs, ya know? Meh. (I'll probably break it up haha.)

Amanda J. said...

Jade - YOU'RE ALIVE!!! :D It's quite alright; I can't think of anyone I'd rather be paranoid because of. :P (Honestly, I was already afraid of it, but it really does seem to happen to you a lot...) And I'm honored that you crawled out of bed for me (please just let me pretend, no, really)! Hopefully soon we can maybe swap story-lines or something lol.

Jemi - Thank you! That's what I'm going for, so I'm glad it's coming across, especially without the confrontation with her mom. :)

Magan - I know exactly what you mean, and I'll probably end up taking it out in later drafts. Since this is the 1st draft though I like knowing what she's listening to because it's mostly just for me. Lady G will get the boot, but in my heart I know Taryn's jammming to Paparazzi. :P

Kristin - You will not have an option in the matter. You will be reading this. All of it. :)


Side note, apparently I like smileys...

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