Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Time, Excuses, and Writing

I don't know where all my time goes. It's kind of ridiculous. I mean, I get that I'm not the most time efficient person in the world, and I have a tendency to opt for having what I can of a social life or down time when I find a spare few moments, but seriously. There just aren't enough hours in the day. I have so many things to do, and that doesn't even include the things I love doing but that I have to put on a back burner simply because they don't pay the bills or contribute to my classes (I'm looking at you, horn, cello, book ideas, and half finished MSs).

Right now, it's the summer. I can't tell. I'm still taking a class each term, working ~34 hours/week, and trying to do things for my fraternity office, find a PhD program I like (I've figured out exactly what I want to study/teach, so that's a bonus), study for my MA comprehensive exam as well as the GRE English subject test, and research/plan my thesis. In the fall, things are really going to get interesting...

My problem is that I keep thinking about my characters and my stories. I want to work on them. I want to get them finished and sent off to publishers. I want to see them in stores. But at this point all I have is self-doubt. I could carve out time for it; I'm sure I could. Only every time I start going down that train of thoughts I hit this wall that tells me I'm not good enough a writer to be published, that I'll never finish anything worth reading, that I have no clue what I'm doing and I shouldn't even bother, that I should just stick to school because I can actually do that.

Funny how we always want to blame time for the things we don't get done, isn't it? Yes, I'm short on time, incredibly short on time, but if I had the confidence in myself and my work, I'd do a better job of prioritizing and making room for my characters and their stories, for improving my craft. But even admitting that, I don't know where to go from here. I can't write when I feel like every word is crap and that it's always going to be crap. I can't edit when it feels pointless. So I don't. Because I don't even feel like I have betas any more or crit partners, and that's my own fault, too.

*sigh* Balls, this life stuff is hard.


Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

The only way we get better is to write! Don't doubt yourself so much. Just write and enjoy for now. You can do it.

Anita Saxena said...

I get like this a lot. Thankfully I have some wonderful critique partners that will read my crap (aka novel) and if I'm on the right track they'll tell me so and if something isn't working, they'll tell me that too. And this seems to help the self-doubt. But all I can tell you is keep writing no matter how negative you feel about it.
Best of luck!

Amanda J. said...

I know, I know. That's why I love you guys. :)

JRuud said...

I DEFINITELY FEEL YA!! Get so worn down sometimes. Ah.


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