Thursday, August 11, 2011
I've read one book since the New York fiasco, and I've been struggling through another since before the big trip, can't seem to finish it. And it's not that it's a bad book, I like it, I'm just having a hard time getting through it. I'm having some writing problems too. Fun.
I want to write. To edit. But I don't have anywhere to do it. I have a bed, and I've had about all I can take of trying to work on a book in bed. I can't do it any more. I need a desk, a table, somewhere I can spread out and think. And I don't have that. I don't have a car to get to the library either, and it wouldn't matter anyway, I can't focus in a library. One of the perks of working in them I guess, can't even do homework there because as soon as I step foot in one I start thinking about the books that are improperly shelved and the chairs that need to be pushed in and a dozen other things that need to be done.
So I haven't touched my book in forever, and it's driving me nuts. Why? Because about a year and a half ago I started writing it, and about six months after that an agent wanted to see it when it was done. It's been a year and she still hasn't gotten to see my book. Why? Because I was a good student. I went to class and to work and I focused on graduating with a good GPA so I could get a good job to support me while I wrote. And what good did that do me? I'm back in my mother's house working 14 hours a week so I can save up for a car, grad school, and half a dozen other things that I won't ever be able to afford on 14 hours a week.
I try to be positive. Try to keep my head up. Say it's all good and push through what ever is getting me down. But this time? I dunno. This time I can see what I want and I can't figure out how I'm supposed to make it happen. Because I need money to make things happen, and it just isn't there. I'm running out of positive thoughts and energy and things just keep getting worse. So I keep applying for jobs and hoping someone will call me, but no one has. And without another job, it won't matter if I can afford the Praxis tests and the grad school application fee, because even I do well and get accepted I won't have a car to get anywhere and I won't be able to pay for an apartment in another city, not to mention tuition.
I worry and I plan and I try to come up with some way to make everything work. And I keep trying to focus on the good things. But it keeps getting harder and harder to stay positive. But I'll keep trying, and I'll keep searching for another job, and I'll keep hoping we win the lottery so for once in my life I won't have to worry about money.
So that's where I've been, too busy trying not to drown to read and write and edit and blog. Hopefully I'll have enough peace soon that I can get back to my regularly scheduled programming and write you guys some reviews and read your wonderful posts and be there for you all. In the mean time I'm going to keep focusing on trying to stay afloat and figuring my life out.
I do, however, want to say thank you. You guys have been great, and I appreciate all the support. Coming up with a new life plan isn't exactly the easiest thing in the world to do, and it means a lot having you guys to talk to and knowing you care. Muchas gracias, mis amigos. Muchas gracias.